Life is cruel and terrible.

ESTRAGON:
(giving up again).
Nothing to be done.

Why the big game? One day up, the next down. It’s a wonder people aren’t running through the streets, screaming, shooting guns into the air, shooting guns at each other. I went to sleep happy, and woke up horrified. Again, fooled. Lied to. Cheated. Scammed. The minute you think you can relax, let down your guard, you can’t, you just can’t. What the hell was I thinking? I should have seen it coming. She smiles at him like nothing’s happened. Good for her. Dammit, the first time I saw her I knew it would end horribly.

Happiness = Sadness. Ad infinitum.

I want, I need, I ache so much that it’s killing me. I’m already dead inside. Hollow. Empty. Gone. I don’t want things from people, reminder, souvenirs, photos. Pain. Nothing but pain. That’s what I feel when someone gives me something. Even a compliment. It cuts me like a stinging exacto blade, straight up the gullet. Please stop it. Stop paying attention to me, stop being kind to me, stop wanting me. Everyone always wants something these days. I look at the neat little hole I’ve dug and I just want to crawl inside, cover myself in warm dry crystals and just stop. Stop breathing, stop thinking, stop hurting, stop wanting. I’m scared. I’m cold.

I envy you, the worst is over, now there’s nothing but rot and rebirth. Rot and rebirth. A new day, more want, more pain, more agony, more death. Where does it end? It doesn’t end. An eternity of confusion and uncertainty. Vertigo. I feel like I could just blow away. I wish I would. The brilliant sun is lowering, it stings my eyes but I like it. I’m shaking. I must look horrible; I know that when I cry my face goes all puffy and my nose and eyes turn shiny red. I don’t care, let everyone see the wreckage, the horror, the horror. I’ll walk all the way back down and when I land I have a sneaking suspicion there’ll be more drugs & drinking. And trouble. Isn’t there always?